there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
