Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize