new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Terrible idea I love it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
