my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
