That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
