Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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