i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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