shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
