you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
