when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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