I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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