I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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