nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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