she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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