I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
