After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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