ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
