I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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