Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
