I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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