Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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