So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
