hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
