i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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