Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
