I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
