i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
