Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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