so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
