I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize