Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
