I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
