What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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