somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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