my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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