Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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