Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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