peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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