I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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