Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
