My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
