i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
