K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
