go do what you do best...puke behind churches
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
