She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
