Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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