I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
