My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
