I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
