Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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