dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
