dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
