mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
