the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
