People in love make me want to vomit
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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