you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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