If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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