i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
