Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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