Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
PS: I just woke up from my shower
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
