omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
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